I get it.

I finally get it.

I get why and how some men veer off and end up not being fathers to their kids. In the past I never understood. I always thought "How do you leave your child?" Here's what I am leaning...

When a baby is born, you don't just feel like a dad. I finally get to wrap my head around that concept. Having a child doesn't MAKE you a dad. It doesn't make you a father, nor does it make you anything for that matter. At this initial stage where a child is born into the world as a result of your seed you're still merely a man that happened to father a child... Not become a father.

There's a difference.

I guess I subconsciously somehow thought our child's birth would transform me into a dad. You know, I would get dad feelings, with dad thoughts, dad actions and dad ways of seeing the world. Nope. That's not what it is, that's not what happens and that's not how it happened for me. When you say it out loud or write it out you kinda realize how silly it actually is to even think, but that's what I thought would  happen. I thought I would be turned into this thing called a Dad without me having much choice in the matter.

I thought that it was like falling out of an airplane skydiving, that everything after the leap was certain and inevitable. Not so.

I know I should know this because my father left me when I was just over a year old. He is an example of the difference. He fathered me but he wasn't a father to me. He was never a dad. I kinda grew up looking for a dad in other men because mine was never there. I'll likely write about that and the wounds that came with it some other time.

What I realized happens is a CHOICE presented to you. The entire way, from the very moment of conception, you CHOOSE. You choose to stay and support your pregnant wife. You choose to attend every pregnancy class. You choose to be there when you both wake up nights for her body's shifts and aches. You choose to be there on the day of delivery. You choose to breathe every surge breath with her, to let her know she's got this. That you're with her every step of the way, that no amount of ugly and crazy will scare you away. You choose to catch your baby when she arrives, to cut the umbilical chord, to hold your radiant newborn.

You CHOOSE.

That's Gods greatest gift to us all... Sovereignty. CHOICE.

... And through every choice, YOU CHANGE. You are changed. Not by anyone or anything outside of you, but by YOU and what you choose.

No matter what may be presented before. No matter what it is that I want, have wanted or will want, I know my choice... Even if contests those wants... I will ALWAYS choose to be a father, a Dad to my baby.

It's scary, but that's MY CHOICE.