Can one breathe wrong? 

Is it possible? What is it to breathe right?

There's this part of me I’m meeting. I wasn't sure it was in me before but I'm sure as hell it's there now...

Babies (I've come to learn) are only just getting the hang of their bodies, learning how to use their organs, making sense of the food (milk) moving through them and their little intestines working to push (once the body has taken what it needs.) I'm only making sense of it now. It’s only once they come out of the womb that babies learn that their lungs process oxygen, and just HOW MUCH their little bodies need it.

I know how much she needs it though... I know very well. Because I often find myself holding my breath, checking if she’s breathing hers. 

As a parent to a new born child I’m constantly checking if my baby is ok. Is she sleeping ok? Breathing ok? Feeling ok? Eating ok? Digesting ok? Heck, are they alive ok? If our baby sounds like she’s groaning and is uncomfortable, I spring to action to solve the problem. If she sounds like she’s blocked up and struggling to breathe, I’m on my feet feverishly trying to solve it. Craziest - if she’s too quiet and I don’t hear enough of a peep or squeak from her, I’m on my feet worried about whether she’s still alive or not… Jeezuuuus, this love is stressful. 

I've started wondering if I'm losing my mind. I look at my daughter sometimes and I'm like, "Mate, stop stressing me out! Just breathe normally! Chill out for us please! Eat properly! Shit and piss less, tell us when you need to go, and all the other things you need. Like burping, sitting up straight, feeding and so on… Is that too much to ask? I mean come on, you’re 4weeks old."

Deep breath, Nyaniso 

I often feel like I need to remind myself, she's ok, I’m ok. She's safe and she's not going to die because she forgot how to breathe. 
I get so scared. I want to do right so badly. I want to do right by her so much. I feel how desperately I want to be the best dad ever. It drives my stress levels through the roof to feel like I changed the nappy too late, left her hungry for too long, she was in some uncomfortable position and I didn’t notice. She is struggling to breathe… maaaan. Is this love or some obsession? Is this how my mom felt/feels? 

Does it stop?
Perhaps it is all of it. It’s love, it’s obsession, fear of being a shitty parent, a failed breathing coach… the works. It’s all of it…

Now, how do I make it all ok?

Sighs