Being a father has opened up my heart. I've done my best to hold onto my firmness, identity and sternness, my tongue-in-cheek retorts to people and things - and honestly I've only been able to grasp at them today after ten days of this initiation into fatherhood.

I thought fatherhood would change me. Assumed it would feel like some big, divine experience where I become cloaked in the father role. As much as I'm experiencing a lot of heart openness and connection to this new little human in our lives, she kinda feels like her own human already. Like, her own person. It almost feels like being her father is a choice and is not something that I am defined by. It's a role that I choose to step into. At the same time I feel a stronger connection between her and myself that won't let the choice be as simple as the many other choices we face as humans.

That connection is telling me that I wouldn't want it any other way anyway.

I feel strangely towards men who have had children with women who they either didn't know or didn't love, because my experience of having a baby with my wife has amplified what we have many times over. During her pregnancy I doted on her, loved and cared for her like never before. Now that our baby is here, a lot of the superficial things that controlled my experience of my wife, exist but don't govern how I hold her or see her.

I love her still. I love her more.

For men who had children with women they didn't know, get time to know, or love - I wonder what there is to amplify. Us having a child has made me an amplified husband, partner, friend. It's made me more empathetic, patient and kind.

I guess I'm curious now as to where the journey will lead. But not so much so that my life will stop and revolve around that curiosity. I'm just going to simply observe it and keep open. To the things I know, don't know and will understand later. That's the mentality that kept me sane and above water during labor. It's what allowed me to deny instincts of shock and overwhelm when my wife needed me the most. It's what allowed me to stay present - more present in my choice than ever before.