Body feels tight. Cheeks are anxious. My face clenches a storm.

Today words aren't coming.

Actually, they are...

I just keep deleting them.

What to write about?

The money I raised for Thembi and her family after her mother's house burned down in Zimbabwe? Going to the gym yesterday and finding aliveness in the weights, salt pool and sauna? Or the fact Mama has just gone for a walk in the drizzle with my daughter to buy oranges so she can squeeze fresh juice from them?

Last night my dreams were filled with poverty, guns, and Mr Dzedze trying to make a difference to the lives of young boys. All riddled with abuse, violence, and volatile ground that we couldn't safely walk upon. A woman was in danger. This morning I couldn't decipher where those thoughts came from. Perhaps in part, an episode of 'Maid' that I watched yesterday. Or Mount Semeru erupting in Java? Who knows? It was psychologically vast though. My daughter slept through the night in her Oma's room as I tumbled in nightmarish spaces.

I miss my husband. He's in Durban again, shooting Durban Gen, a South African medical drama. His character was announced yesterday and I couldn't be happier for the celebration he's receiving as an actor. His love for what he does inspires me... To write.

Before he left Jo'burg, our conversations began to smirk. New questions arrived. New feelings too. Beasts lurking in the deep made waves, and we're both terrified and tantalized by the prospect of huge transformation. Heavy raindrops gather in my cheeks as I type. I vision us both throwing ourselves to a new aliveness and every cell in my being buzzes.

Last night Mama and I watched 14 Peaks. You should watch it. Nims spoke of how close life and death are, how aliveness sits in the space between them and he finds that at the summit of the mountains he climbs. To say I was moved by his journey is an understatement. His devotion to his land and people churned my belly. Had he been a Westerner, there would have been ten times the amount of coverage around his and his team's phenomenal achievement. He speaks it clear. Whiteness glares. I wonder why his devotion to Tibet stirred me so. Perhaps because it feels highly unaligned to bring pride to Britain or Germany, and in that, I'm not sure who my people are.

Beyond my own immediate loved ones, who would I want to bring pride to? Who associates themselves with me? There's my questions for the day. Today I'll be a ponderer.