Vanessa’s story is different to the rest. Most tales start with a clear beginning. End at the end. And journey along one clear path to be told with a definitive voice. Not Vanessa’s. Hers is harder to grasp. The colours can’t be named, the feeling can’t be caught, it almost slips through your fingers. You might be tempted to reduce her story to a simple dream, but it’s not. It’s as alive and real as you and I. 

Her heart is postured in such a way that life’s dance moves through her. You know those part-time, momentary blessings that the goddess gives? The ones that your gaze must be turned towards fully, to receive. Jaw-dropping colours of a sunset sky, momentary mystical greetings from animals in the wild, a stranger’s kindness you could never have orchestrated? That’s what Vanessa’s magic is made from.

As a child, Vanessa lived in an ever-changing world. To begin with it was subtle. Tussled brown hair and big eyes, curious to know the world around her, Vanessa always noticed. When the colour of the walls in her house changed. When belongings would be packed into bags, to live in new spaces. When the shapes of her bedroom stretched into different positions each night. Sometimes Vanessa contorted her small body to copy the changes that she saw all around. The only reality she had ever known was a malleable one, and whilst Vanessa had a special talent to see beauty anywhere she turned her gaze, she was uprooted by the endlessness of this change.

It wasn’t change as we know it - like the weather and seasons that cycle predictably through Spring - Summer - Autumn - Winter. It was a harsh, un-patterned environment, where the weather woke up and wilted without pause. The seasons were sporadic, and seemed to be on fast forward. No matter how intently Vanessa grasped for something to hold onto, it didn’t arrive. The older she grew, the faster life moved and the harder she found it to know her place.

One day she peered out of the window to see sunshine. Pulled on a pretty dress, ran downstairs and opened the door to be met by a howling blizzard. Fingers and nose bitten by a cold that came in a flash, she doubted how to dress from then on. On edge as to what the weather might do, she froze inside. Lived life clinging to the ‘I don’t know’ space of unanswered questions, no place sturdy enough to settle in. A chaotic hot-cold, here-there tango spun her into knots.

As the skies changed, and the colours changed, and the walls changed - as the earth moved incessantly, Vanessa grasped for a pause. A pause that never came. She held her breath hoping for some kind of stillness, only to gasp for fresh air in the frantic non-stop spinning. She held her breath again. And again. Gasping each time, defeated. Nauseated. Maddened. She was a young woman, the day she ran. Not quite a child anymore, but still uninitiated in the ways of mother. A deranged, guttural roar erupted from her chest to the heavens. A plea for the spinning to stop. She sprinted. Barefoot she ran along roads, to the pulse of her pant and the beat of her hurried heart. Spirits were summoned by the drumming of her feet. Spirits of possibility and new perspective. She ran. And ran. She ran through woods, along mountain ranges. Through orchards, and across sandy terrains. She ran with the ones who fly and the ones that crawl, hop and slither, through countries we have never named. She ran. With her eyes closed, she let the wind carry her, all the way to a new place. A different place. A place where she was lost, on purpose, a place filled with a new kind of sound.

It was a place of incomprehensible beauty. Surrounded by tall cliffs that stood still. More still than all the statues in the world. Water fell from the top of them, endless in flow, but consistent in their motion. Predictable. Rainbows shimmied in the waterfall’s spray, a glittering of colours that can not be told. Flocks of birds soared gently in the cosmic bliss of this new place. Butterflies fluttered to her shoulders. Vanessa stood. She did not stare. Nor did she meditate. She simply stood. Being with the undercurrent of magic that hurled into her body with this newfound still place. Face to face with a breath she had prayed to breathe for so long. One that was steady - deep. No one knows how long she stood there - it might have been years. The spirits of the water washed her. Bathed her, and dressed her anew - in nothing but her right-sized skin. The temperature here was perfect. For her. It was where she belonged.

At the base of the cliff where the water fell, was a cave. Warm. Moistened by the spray, it held secrets of the earth - secrets of existence - a chamber of initiation - a womb. Vines and shrubs stood guard by the mouth, and Vanessa bowed to them when the time came for her to climb in. The cave beckoned her to a place of darkness, where her bathed body found a place to lay. No one knows how long she was there - it might have been years. A hum held her. Shook her bones free of life’s stresses, wiped her breath free of panic, and slowed her heart all the way down. It was there that she died to the madness. Skin rotted, teeth fell to the floor, earth-clad hair matted in knots. As her body calibrated a new pace of life, one so settled in irreverent stillness, a new way of seeing appeared. An eye for the sacred emerged. The deep sacred of existence, of origin, of woman.

Vanessa’s eyes, simultaneously open and closed, saw new shapes and colours move in the nebulous cave. Spirits of irrevocable transformation. They danced by her feet and tickled her head, glowed gently for her and spoke without words to breathe life back into her body. They took form of her memories and gave new perspective on the ceaseless movement she had grown in. Her hair curled with new aliveness. A new smile grew into a new face. Vanessa found her body - the flesh, blood and bones birthed to this earth, that would in turn, birth.

In light-painted visions the spirits showed her the world she had run from. Showed her the wild weather, and cycleless seasons. Now internally quiet enough to hear in new ways, Vanessa recognized the lessons of this upbringing. Change is the only promise, and she had been blessed to swim in the deep waters of the unknown. She saw the beauty of her chaos-home. How the gift of her deepest challenges was ready to blossom. Vanessa had learned to fully seize life with both hands. To let herself die to the storm - to become it.

When the time came, Vanessa walked, crawled, slithered and flew from the cave, every creature of this earth stroked her skin. As her eyes met the skies, and the sun shone, a great storm swirled. It was a different storm to any she had seen. Despite the usual dark rainclouds and promise of thunder, there was also a lightness. Sunshine swirled with the shadows, white clouds spattered the skies. As though every type of weather had congregated, no longer fractured, to greet her. At first it was gentle, and then faster and faster the weather spun. A precious storm, almighty. It circled Vanessa, spinning faster and faster around her, as she sat in the eye. The chaos of this world, that had so deeply tormented her spirit, now bowed to her existence and moved in celebration of her initiation into life.

Yes, she had run - and yes, here she was at peace in a way she had never known, but she too could see now that the fleeting synchronicities and transient gifts given to her in childhood, were ones that would help so many humans in time. People would come to her, troubled by their own impossible change. Vanessa, with her darkness-wisdom and the stillness of this newfound place, would say, “Dear heart, let’s sit with the mystery. I’ll take you to the eye of the storm. Where you can see it in stillness and breathe in the beauty of this moment. I’ll dance in this one with you. Let’s hold hands and pray, let’s run with the wind, let’s chatter with the frost, let’s bask with the sun as it arrives again. Let’s bow, as deeply as we can, in every way possible, to life itself. Change, my love, is promised. Now how do we vow to move with it, to live the fullest life?”