The recent #blacklivesmatter rising has swept through our lives, and I want to share a little of how I’ve been approaching it at home with holding space for (a black man) my husband.

My intention is to share insights into holding space for the essential *process* that is activated with facing these wounds. We can’t actively change anything that we don’t meet fully.

A lot of black people haven’t been able to face their pain fully because they haven’t felt a safe enough space to meet and move it all. This makes transmuting the wounds near impossible.

Have you ever cried half of your tears and pushed the rest down to make the “oh, don’t cry!” people more comfortable? It’s that… Just OCEANS of uncried tears, from generations upon generations of trauma filled lives.

I’ve felt the weight of my husband’s heart, and the rush of emotion that has come with mass acknowledgement. I’ve felt his entire being facing off with the internal thoughts, “About fucking time!” and “So NOW you want to acknowledge me?!”

I’ve witnessed how being seen at last and somewhat affirmed in his experiences has caused a swell of emotions and memories to surface and I’ve done my most to honour it.

Here’s my approach and the questions that guide me.

AM I MORE WIFE OR WHITE TO HIM RIGHT NOW?
AM I A SAFE SPACE OR A TRIGGER?

I approach him gently, and I ask, “Would you like company or space?” I stay present and still and silent until he gives me his answer. Sometimes it takes him a moment to respond - cause emotion, or maybe just cause he wants to finish the insta video he’s watching.

If he says SPACE I simply say, “Ok love, I’ll come and check in later, if there’s anything you need let me know” and then leave. If his request brings up emotion for me, I address it and move it through me.

If he says COMPANY I take steps towards him. I come to his level and stay soft in my body. I ask him, “What kind of company would you like?” Sometimes he wants to be heard and witnessed in his process, other times he wants me to sit with him in silence as he continues to watch his movie or something else.

Sometimes he’s open to hearing about my process. When this happens I ask myself...

DO I WANT TO SHARE MY PROCESS FOR MYSELF, FOR HIM, OR BOTH?

When I’ve been diving into my own journey and feel a desire to share it with him, I check in with myself. Am I sharing to be witnessed? To educate? Do I feel it will serve him? Is it relevant to our relationship? What’s the real motivation?

I ALWAYS ASK FOR PERMISSION BEFORE SHARING (We do this anyway in day-to-day life… It avoids so much unnecessary conflict!)

If I’m sharing something I’ve read or experienced that I find intriguing, illuminating or triggering about racism, whiteness, blackness, black-history, empirical history etc. I keep checking in with him as I speak. Sometimes this is just reading his body language and listening to my intuition. Other times it’s literally saying, “Are you still good for me to keep sharing?”

Sometimes he says he’s good. Other times he’ll say he can’t right now.

WE ALWAYS TAKE *THIS* CONVERSATION AT *HIS* PACE.

Over the last few days we’ve experienced very in depth, open, moving conversations. We’ve dived deeper into posing questions, challenging our thoughts and gathering new reference points on the topic. We’ve been a team in this.

We’ve also experienced a divide at times. One morning I didn’t know how to reach out and connect, so I messaged a trusted friend with a request that he check in with my husband. I wanted to be sure he was ok, yet didn’t feel it was my place at that point in time.

FINALLY…

Whether I agree with his experience or not, whilst he is in the thick of it I ALWAYS *ACKNOWLEDGE HIS SHARE* AND I NEVER DEBATE OR SUGGEST HE SEES THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

It’s not time for coaching or self-development.

It’s not time for skipping ahead to the future already.

It’s not time to “get over it” or “be above it.”

It’s time to sit in it, and sink into it, and let it take us.

the hurt,
the confusion,
the anger.

To let it be FELT, FULLY.

This requires PATIENCE, DEEP COMPASSION and COMMITMENT TO SEEING IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH.

I hope something of this share lands, and supports you, your loved ones and the world at large to stay present in the face of the deep deep healing and internal reform that is being called for.