In two days, she’ll be two months old. She’s a giant baby though. Mama commented on her size, “She looks like three or four months.” I’ve joked that by six months she’ll be wearing my clothes. Today, like most days, I scrolled through photos of the first few weeks of her life, found one of her first bath in the sink, and felt the essence of life prickle my face.

Every day she shows me what it is to exist. She flickers tender reminders of the vast infinite that we’re born from, the immense power we hold, and the ultimate insignificance of our teeny-tiny ant-like existence. My spiritual practice is motherhood. I see how we crawl our way through a short life and squeeze as much juice as we can from it. Lately, the ripeness of my days has been simple moments with my daughter. My wild dreams for the future become daydreams in the now. I eye gaze with this baby human who birthed herself through me, say “Hi” to her a million times, and let her smiles melt me, on repeat.

Mr Dzedze was away again this week. I’ve been overjoyed at his success on set, and happy that he’s able to do what he loves most. I’ve also loved my evenings with Jacqlyne and Hamish as they generously return from work, share of their days in the wider world outside, and join me in the simplicity of good food and conversation before wishing each other a good night. Despite the graciousness of it all, the alone times with my daughter have amounted to a tired mama, a slower pace and a half-filled bottle of emotions that needs to be addressed soon.

In two weeks my own Mama will fly to us, embrace her first grandchild and spend a month here in our home. In the first trimester of my pregnancy, she doted on me in ways no other could. Her fruit salads were the only thing I could stomach and she mothered me as I lay on the floor, nauseous, like a child. In my third trimester, she did the same, made me salads, and poured me endless glasses of water with lemon and ice as the German summer shone on us. It hasn’t been long since I saw her really, but my world has changed so drastically since I flew back from Germany. Those waddling big-bellied days feel like forever ago.    

Assimilating to life with a child is a gentle and at times confusing process. All my stamina for connection is used to care for her and my desire for community and people around me fluctuates by the hour. Sometimes I think I want to throw a party, chatter, and share space with loved ones and let everyone meet the new child of our village. Other times, all I want is time to myself, to remember who Yana is, at heart. Through pregnancy, my alone time was spent in the bath, breathing deep into my belly to connect with my baby. Today I took a bath without her for the first time in days and didn’t know how to be by myself at all.

There are tears in my body waiting to be cried. An inner child inside of me wanting to play. Creative visions wanting to be expressed. A wife wishing to connect deeply with her husband. The time will come for each of them. Life will weave itself together and I simply pray that I look back on the choices I make today and thank myself for them. That my daughter looks back on these choices and thanks me for them too. I know that in time, I’ll cry tears with her, play with her and express myself creatively with her. Right now though, it’s as simple as smiles, snuggles, and feeds. All she needs is Mama, and so Mama I will be.