Today marks two months of life with our daughter in our arms. Mr Dzezde and I have never felt more grounded in love. To say we knew love before would be to say we knew a river, which has now met the ocean. Our child has burst us open to ourselves, each other, and life itself in ways I pray she one day knows. Today, as our little one played her favourite game of wobbly standing, my Mama looked at her through the phone and said, “It’s the biggest thing you can gift, life.” I responded, “Yes, and to take care of that life that is gifted.”

I’m reflecting on every micro-moment that brought me here. Over ten years ago I began making decisions in the name of one day being the best mother I can be. So many life decisions have been made in the name of a healthy life for my one-day family. Women’s work called me because birth did. I have been preparing for the labour we journeyed for many, many years. I’m leaning into these memories with gratitude, and also as a way to assure myself that it’s safe to receive. 

I’ve been tackling the discomfort of knowing that others dream of this. It’s hard to write these words without feeling uppity or arrogant, without feeling like I’m building a high-horse of wonder. I feel starkly aware that people dream of a happy marriage, high-quality communication in partnership, a house to make a home, a healthy pregnancy and beautiful natural birth, a child. They pray for good nights’ sleep, calmness and wellness in their babies. They want what I have and for whatever reason is true to them, it isn’t with them. Sometimes it feels safe to boldly declare the blessings bestowed upon my world, other times I fear evoking hurt or comparison. People who I love don’t have what I have and would give the world for it. 

I've been asking, “Why me?” It feels unfair to simply say, “I worked for it” without acknowledging the privilege of an upbringing in a western world, a childhood in a happy home, incredible, patient, devoted parents holding me through my own growth and loving each other wildly. I have no doubt the blessings of their contributions have much to do with me being here now. Not to mention access to therapy, travel, personal transformation, and wisdom that so many have never had access to. And, at the same time, I have to turn to past selves who brought me here now. I have to turn to the choices I made and thank myself - younger Yana, who said yes to all of this. Who saw me here and devoted, through hard times to that vision.

Life has only become more since our daughter’s birth. For everything that has been taken from me, every part of freedom and time, there has been tenfold in heart-bursting love gifted in return. No amount of external accomplishment can replace the simple fullness of my baby’s smiles and chirrups, seeing her in the arms of loved ones who are here to hold her with me. My daughter’s existence has made me more of myself and made sense of me. 

Today we lay as a family in the big blue hammock in the garden. Napped through the afternoon and discussed our plans for the rest of the year. I watched her grin at her doting father whilst I cooked and let a pile of unwashed dishes stare at me. As night fell, we lit a candle at the altar, sang “Happy two months to you…” to her and told her how proud we are of how well she’s been doing. Our calm, communicative baby gurgled happy sounds through the day and we laughed in joy. Mr Dzedze shared how lovely it’s been to have a day off. It’s been a Sunday feeling Sunday. A relaxed, gentle, smile-filled one.